Fighting Panic

So I do not like feeling closed in.
I have been claustrophobic for as long as I can remember.

I adore my wide open skies and places,  the colors of this crazy old world and feeling free.

At 3:30am I awoke with such terror....as I looked out my window to nothing. No stars, no clouds.
Just smoky haziness.
I have been up since then trying to fight waves of this panic feeling.
Going from ideas from hopping in my car and driving until there is blue sky above me-
to booking a flight anywhere! just to rise up out of this smothering smoke.

I went swimming to try to clear my head and lungs, hoping the "blue water" would alleviate the attack of panic continually rising in my head. It worked...until someone there asked..."Is it me or is there a haze of smoke above the water?"....

Mind over matter.

Trying to drive home from the pool (which is 20minutes from my home)...looked like this:

They say this heavy smoke will last a couple more days.

I think I can make it through...but my mind will be somewhere else. 

And aside from curling up under my blankets trying to calm my panicky heart...I will dwell on the happy, good, color, and sweetness of the life I once knew just a couple days ago....

(yes i sound dramatic...but this is my panic area.

Claustrophobia is my mind-downfall....)

Happy thoughts to start....

Happy weekend everyone!

I'll be dwelling on happy puzzle pieces today...and tomorrow....and the next.....

Sweet 70's ride....

So a wonderful neighbor lent me this bike for a couple months.....

A Peugeot Race Bike, (made in France).


Check out the metal fenders.....

 Lights- front and back-  that actually come on with the energy you generate while pedaling!

An attached tire pump:

Metal rack for carry-ons....

And a leather seat....leather!

They sure don't make them like they used to:)

~~~

horse tale

Once upon a time...

there was a horse.

A 3 year old paint who was a tad bit spoiled.

There was also a girl....who loved all horses, and decided that this paint was what she wanted to buy with money she had been saving.

Her very first horse of her own.

Because this 2 year old horse was a tad bit spoiled, the girls' mother thought the best thing to do was to send the horse to school before the girl rode it.

It was loaded and taken out east of town, where she went to school every day for weeks.

The girl (and her mother) waited for the horse's return....dreaming of rides through pastures to watch the sunrise, or down country roads after schoolwork was completed for the day.

After weeks of waiting- the girl along with her mother- drove out to pick up the trained horse.

She road her horse around the trainers corral....the paint listening, responding, and riding like a perfectly schooled student.

The trainer explained that only a lot of riding and plenty experience would make the horse what the girl wanted now, so the horse was loaded and taken home.

(Although not before a hefty cheque was written by the mother for all the trainers' effort.)

Arriving home, the girl of course wanted to try out her "new horse" in her own corral. 

She saddled that paint, checked and double checked the gear, then mounted.

All went well for several minutes, until the horse decided everything was just too new.

(You can't blame the horse...for it HAD been through a lot over the weeks, just endured an hour drive in a smelly horse trailer,  and was being ridden in a strange corral.....)

She began crow-hopping with the girl hanging on to her back.

When the paint had finally calmed down enough so the girl could dismount and calm her own nerves....the mother decided the horse needed to be shown that the kind of behavior just displayed would not be tolerated. She needed to be ridden again.

The girl called her father.

The father was not a horse guy.

He had ridden before...but riding horses was just not up his alley.

But oh what parents will do for their children.....

Within a  minute of walking the horse around to calm it down and show it there was nothing to be worried about...the girls' 6'4 /200lb father was flung through the air in a blink.

He lay on the ground gasping for air, as the paint took off around the corral kicking her heels in freedom.

The dad broke a couple of ribs that day.

The paint was put in the pasture until further notice.

And the girl...realizing her mother would not allow her the freedom of riding her newly "trained" paint until further notice, resorted to riding her 15 year old gelding once again.

~~~~~~~

Fast forward several months.

The mother and daughter both agreed it would be foolish to put more money out in training a horse which was now growing taller and faster than expected.

The horse was put up for sale.

Week after week went by, and the horse just took up space in the fields.....pretty to look at, but not fulfilling the dream for which the girl had bought her.

Oh...the girl would take the horse out of pasture, lead her to the corral, lunge her, spend time with her doing groundwork, but never riding.

Or so the mother believed.

Whispers were heard one day.

An apologetic grin was given.

Questions were asked....

had the girl actually been on and riding that paint?!?

Supposedly a surprise was being planned.

A demonstration of sorts was being prepared....

and the mother, much to her "horror", dismay, disbelief, came across this planned spectacle just the other day.

{What one can do when fear is not a factor.}

Is it just because at that age you aren't aware of the dangers?

Is it determination to conquer something that seems too big- a type of challenge?

OR...is it a love for something....

and the one who loves, 

realizes that risks and sacrifices are made in order to build that trust and love....?

The mother has reluctantly agreed to the "training" occurring in the corral.

Risks are a part of life.

Life would not be quite as fulfilling if none were ever taken...

and who knows just where love would be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morning Glory

.....a favorite flower of mine I have never been able to grow.

 For some reason or other it never makes it through the summer, 

and I have never seen it bloom.

But this summer.......

{Morning glory is the best name,

it always refreshes me to see it.}

~Henry David Thoreau

~~~~~~~

When you arise in the mornings, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive- to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.

~Marcus Aurelius

~~~~

i'm starting to realize my problems may not be as big as i think.....

it just depends on what angle i look at them from.

~~~~~~~~

Happy Day to you, friends:)

hunny bee

Look what we found on the old shed......

A friend of ours (who isn't scared of bees and knows exactly what to do to get the honey "out")...came over and pulled down chunks of honeycomb.

There was so much honey inside of this hive and in the wall....there were buckets for everyone to take home.

In this particular piece of comb, "baby bees" were hatching out of the perfectly shaped holes. 

We watched this little guy pop out of a hole and get a feel for crawling before he would learn to fly.

Isn't creation absolutely amazing?

And we think humans are great architects!

~~~~~~~

sweet 2 for 1 deal

the "joy" of having 6 in a family....

is that you often don't get to go out a lot.

EXPENSIVE!

but when coupons show up in our mailbox, or 2 for 1 deals suddenly appear...

 WOOTWOO!

Lucky for us we found a 2 for 1 deal on Blizzards not too long ago,

 YESSSS!

We all got a large,

'cause who knows just when a deal like that may pop up again.

(regular cost on these large favorites for our family : about $37.00 plus tax)

a little too much for ice cream.....

(even if it is a Georgia~Mud~Fudge Blizzard.)

what a deal!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

indecisiveness, choices, choosing

 I'm pretty sure I'm an indecisive person;)
I think I always have been.

When I look back over the past 20 years or so...even in my early teens- I always seemed to lament over decisions to be made. It never seemed easy.
And over time I haven't gotten any better.
{example: races come up, and as the deadline approaches I still am humming and hawing about whether to sign up or not. Even though I've done all the training and mental work.}
There's a triathlon in September I have said I am doing....i think. I've swam, biked, and ran hard over the past couple months just to prepare. I have bought a tri-suit and figured out where to rent a wet suit. I have practiced open water swims. But... STILL have not registered.
Doubts fill my head. The easy part seems to be the preparation.

And that's JUST IT!
The hard part for me- choosing to commit to a decision.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
choices.
In almost every circumstance in my life ....
I can choose joy. I can choose to be bitter. (And I can even choose to race or not.)
Choices every day over everything. (Don't know why it's seeming overwhelming.)

I think the choices I am having to make regarding relationships is a big one for me.
Relationships are the root of us. They can cause us to grow.
Or falter.
Maybe that's why I waiver when it comes to relationships. It's a scary business.

Then...... this past week a particular instance changed my thinking. I was offended instantly....but for some reason a switch went on in my head.
WHAT IF...instead of letting this person cause me to get angry....I choose to rise above it.
WHAT IF...I choose this incident and this person help me to grow.
(In this particular case...I had to choose pretty quick...my kids were sitting right beside me.)

And for one of the very first times...my indecisiveness took wings...and flew.
I chose right then that this person and what they had done, would benefit me positively.
I suddenly felt compassion instead of anger for this person.
I realized that to become angry in return....would lead to bitterness.
I chose, and still am choosing, to allow this to help me and my kids grow.
It wasn't easy. It STILL is not easy.
But I chose.

The choices I make today will affect all my tomorrows.
I want to war against my indecisiveness....my new challenge- I'm sure for quite a while.
Whether it's as simple as whether or not to sign up for a triathlon, or choosing to feel compassion instead of bitterness toward an offender....I am going to choose.

I finally am realizing- just what freedom there is in being able to choose.
And actually making the decision to do so!!

Enough of my rambling.....I need to go register for the triathlon in September.

I have all the gear anyway.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Journal of this week....

This week I turned these.....

...into....

this:

~~~~~~

Then I found these ready and waiting for me in the garden...

(truthfully, I have kind of forgotten my garden lately.!?)

I also was able to walk into a sunrise with a friend I haven't visited with for some time.

After the walk, she invited me in for tea....and had a vase of pansies on  a small table with 2 teacups and saucers laid out waiting.

This blessed me more than she knows. We had a wonderful conversation about life, family, love....things of the heart.

We all need conversations like that every so often.

It was like air to me.

~~~~~~~

I bought myself these:

 (instead of a camera!!!!! what am I thinking?)

And then I went out and ran the farthest distance my own 2 feet have ever carried me!

(15.03km to be exact. This is something for me. I have reached a goal I never thought I could reach. For anyone running marathons, I know it's a mere warm-up...but for me it is huge.)

My sweet sister came along with me, and THIS is true sisterly-love:

SHE GAVE ME HER SOCKS! :)

(i never wear socks when running...but again-what was I thinking?

New shoes=blisters)

~~~~

Had a wonderful friend take me on a walk so I could vent my frustration on a certain matter.

She listened, put up with my venting, and had me smiling by the end of the road.

This is a friend who also lends me interesting books, movies to watch, and encourages me in all the important areas of relationships within this life of mine. Even though she knows the dirt on me.

~~~~

Yesterday was lunch at a favorite restaurant with another super friend....

and re-connecting was a good thing.

~~~~~~~~

hmmmmm...looks as though the best parts of my week was Relationship.

Go figure.

Does anything else really matter in the end?

(the apricot jam was just a bonus:)

~~~

Happy Weekend to you all.

Spend some time with someone you love.

I think my weekend will be spent with these 4.....

~the Elusive Virtue~

"Humility is such an elusive virtue.

Once you think you have it, you don't,

or you wouldn't think you did."

~M.Lucado

~~~~~~~

July Skies

Every time I vacation it's amazing to me how different the sky can be from place to place.

I'm a sky watcher, constantly looking up and forever being amazed by how

different the world above us can be.

Returning home, I have to say I like my sky best.

It always seems so open and massive....I love my prairie sky.

I cannot believe July is gone.

It was a month full of beautiful sky, and by the looks of the pictures on my camera, I must have been constantly looking upward. :)

I am looking forward to what August Skies may hold.

~~~~~