puzzle pieces

Friday, August 20, 2010

Fighting Panic

So I do not like feeling closed in.
I have been claustrophobic for as long as I can remember.

I adore my wide open skies and places,  the colors of this crazy old world and feeling free.

At 3:30am I awoke with such terror....as I looked out my window to nothing. No stars, no clouds.
Just smoky haziness.
I have been up since then trying to fight waves of this panic feeling.
Going from ideas from hopping in my car and driving until there is blue sky above me-
to booking a flight anywhere! just to rise up out of this smothering smoke.

I went swimming to try to clear my head and lungs, hoping the "blue water" would alleviate the attack of panic continually rising in my head. It worked...until someone there asked..."Is it me or is there a haze of smoke above the water?"....

Mind over matter.

Trying to drive home from the pool (which is 20minutes from my home)...looked like this:

They say this heavy smoke will last a couple more days.
I think I can make it through...but my mind will be somewhere else. 

And aside from curling up under my blankets trying to calm my panicky heart...I will dwell on the happy, good, color, and sweetness of the life I once knew just a couple days ago....
(yes i sound dramatic...but this is my panic area.
Claustrophobia is my mind-downfall....)

Happy thoughts to start....

Happy weekend everyone!
I'll be dwelling on happy puzzle pieces today...and tomorrow....and the next.....


our little love nest said...

I relate so much. I have panic attacks from claustrophobia....it even affects how I feel about living here in the South. I worry I will never get to go home. It has been so long. Sometimes at night my fear is so big that it feels like the blackness of outside is closing in and I am trapped in it. I have to pray or think about other things or I would seriously go crazy. Hoping the smoke leaves soon for you guys...no fun!
Big hugs!

Dawn said...

Hugs to you dear cousin....
(Do you think it's a claustrophobia "gene"...or is it just us....:|).....
Nights ARE awful....with everything it seems, hey?
I wish I could fly you all up here for a HoLiDAy.

Miss you...
dawn xxoo

Cheryl Kohan said...

Oh, Dawn, I'm really sorry you had to deal with that but if it makes you feel any better, I've got a bit of that, too. It stems from my asthma, I think, and I can't fly in airplanes (well, what else would I be flying in...duh) because I feel like there isn't enough air. So I hope the smoke goes away, soon...it's a terrible feeling. You're handling it just right, though. Dwell on the really nice things. I love your pictures!

Dawn said...

Thanks for your encouragement Cheryl! I CANNOT stand flying either! I always am sitting there wondering how much air will last all the people in the plane...and then I panic because I think for sure there isn't enough to go around.

Things could be much worse...but oh how you feel horrid when you're in the middle of panic! Yes....dwell on the positive:))))
Happy weekend to you!

Jo said...

You have such a wonderful blog. The story about the horse made me all misty eyed. I used to have a paint myself.
Panic and anxiety are very scary things, indeed. I sure hope the haze clears up soon. Until then, imagine blue skies. :)

Rebecca Everett said...

Oh my goodness, I would be feeling the same way. How scary. Hope everything clears up soon.

Kristin said...

Oh, your photos are just beautiful: you are such a talented photographer! Hopefully those pictures do the trick - that smoke would make me nervous too. . .
I love the bike in the post below and can't wait to check out those rolls on your sidebar :)
Thank you for your sweet comments and for becoming a follower - I am so happy to have you,
Kristin xo