puzzle pieces

Friday, June 25, 2010

-looking beyond-

i'm tired.
of everything.
of working. of always feeling needed by everyone. i'm so very tired of worrying about what everyone else around me thinks. i'm tired of worrying if a person is mad at me because we never talk or haven't stayed in touch. i'm tired of analyzing relationships.
i'm just so tired of worrying, wondering, wishing, analyzing....EVERYTHING in my life.
my brain hurts. it is very exhausting.

another thing that tires me....
training as much as i do and never being able to beat my time on the 5km run.
as much as i try, and for all the ways i try to speed up my time on this distance....i cannot. 
i can never seem to beat my time i have held for 2 years.

and then, yesterday morning i went for my typical run down the same stretch of country road. of course i set the stopwatch and started it the minute my feet began to move.
TODAY was the day i would beat my time.

it turned out i forgot about the stopwatch.
i forgot about how tired i was and all the jumbled thoughts that have been attacking my brain lately.
this run was tireless for me.

being that early, the sun was just making it's way through a haze of clouds. it had rained the night before, and the fog hung low across the roads, making everything look misty and dreamy.
i saw things on this run i hadn't seen before.

i saw a tired looking  fence i hadn't seen in the 4 years i've trekked down this same stretch of road. i saw an unusual kind of bird.
3 deer ran right in front of me and even stopped a moment to wonder who and what i was before they jumped through the ditch and out into a field.
the old abandoned house sitting at the corner looked a little younger, and the trees around it looked alot larger and full.
there was no wind.
just me and all this, running through clouds so low it looked as though i was on top of them all.
and i ran.
and i even forgot i was running.
i forgot to be tired. i forgot to check my time.
i forgot it all. all i did was take it in and breathe.

and then it hit me.
this is what it would feel like to let all that bothers me- go.
i have been so wrapped up in myself. my own feelings and hurts. my worries and analyzing.
self-absorbed i think is what you call it.
i have been so wrapped up in me. i have forgotten to look around and view everything else.
it isn't all about me.

{removing the focus off of myself- and looking outward...changed it all for me.
not dwelling on racing the clock, and looking at my surroundings-- easy!}

yes- everything is still the same. the same issues are sitting right here.
but when i don't dwell on the issues and am able to look out and beyond and realize that it isn't all about me and my worries and pondering....the issue just isn't quite the same issue anymore.
just like my time to beat wasn't a concern.
looking outward made me forget self.
and it felt wonderful.

i don't want to forget my hazy, breath-taking, eye-opening, morning run.
it pops back into my head every time i wonder why something has/hasn't happened.
that morning sneaks into my mind every time i worry about a friend or relationship.

trying to shift my focus to what is truly around me, out and beyond- seems to help lose the self-absorbed person i have become lately.

(side note:  as i ran up to the house and looked at the time, i noticed that- yet again-i had not set a new record for myself.
but this time it didn't matter.
i simply logged a memorable run, and for a change- noticed i wasn't tired anymore.
it feels good.)


Happy Weekend to you all!
[We're off to the races.....our long -awaited TRIATHLON is here!]


Sheree said...

Dawn, good luck this weekend with the Triathlon!
And of course....congrats on beating your own time and the way you went about it! :)

Dawn said...

Thanks Sheree! And I think when it's all over I will have to try your S'more recipe for rewards all around;)
happy weekend to you!

Unknown said...

Hi Dawn,
I seem to do this same thing often and just realized I had really been doing this lately this last Saturday and then I heard this song by Keith Green (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd9MaBu3gAg) and woke up and have been seeing things different for the past couple of days. He says this in the song "It's so hard to see when my eyes are on me". I realized my eyes had been on me and so I started feeling sorry for myself. When my eyes are open and not on me, life becomes so much easier and less emotional.

Congratulations on your triathalon accomplishment. You should be proud that you keep pushing yourself to your best, trying to be your most excellent. I know God is proud of you. You captivate Him and He is pleased with you. Have a great week. :)